The Diary of Artemis Fowl the Second
by Crystal Shores
Summary: Arty starts a diary when he is put into public school. What happens when he finds out he's a little more attractive than he thought? Total fangirl stuff, read!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I, Crystal Shores, being of sound mind and body, do hereby confess that I do not own Eoin Colfer's Artemis Fowl.-sobs-**

**A/N: Okay, uhhhhhh...**

**Arty: Why did you write an Author's Note if you had no intention of writing something in it?**

**Crystal: Shut up, Arty-Warty-Farty--**

**Arty: OKAY! I GIVE!!!!!!!!!**

**The Diary of Artemis Fowl II**

August 1/2006

Tuesday 3:44p.m.

Fowl Manor

Diary,

Once again my parents have decided to change my education. This is the fourth time. First, there was that ridiculous excuse for a school St. Bartleby's. But when my father read the report card, he decided I needed a more personal education. Thus began the tutors. That was a bad idea. I had surpassed them all within a week. Madame Genevieve was reduced to tears, and Professor Richards had anger management issues which ended our lesson very quickly. I did not mean for these things to happen of course. But I get so irritated when people underestimate me, that I often have to play mind tricks on them to get them to realize that I am no ordinary sixteen-year-old. Madame Genevieve tried to teach me calculus. Calculus! I learned that in my seventh year. When Mother finally figured out that I did not get along with any teachers, she decided self-education was the best idea. I enjoyed that phase. But when mother found out that I had been using my "lesson time" to build a molecular disintegrator, she decided that it wasn't the best of ideas. Now, her and father say I must make use of the local high school this year. Public education! Needless to say, I was outraged. But father says I have "superiority issues". Butler is not nearly as concerned about the educational system. He is more worried about my security. To tell the truth so am I. Opal Koboi could walk through the doors and I would never know until she did something. Then again, to break into a school one typically has to be able to get to said school, and Opal is currently behind bars in a maximum-security L.E.P. prison, specially designed to contain Opal by yours truly. The L.E.P. had to pay me a fortune in gold to convince me to do it. Mother is taking me shopping for school supplies tomorrow morning. She seemed excited, and I did not have the heart to tell her that I would rather take twenty microbiology tests than go shopping with her. In all actuality I would rather take twenty microbiology tests than do half of the things that mother and father suggest. I once timed myself to see how long it would take me to take twenty different microbiology tests. It took all of thirty minutes, and that was only because I did not realize that my pen had run out of ink.

I think I just solved the problem of my security. I must go and speak with Butler about this.

-Artemis Fowl the Second

**A/N: I am addicted to reviews.**

**I write fast when I recieve reviews.**

**STOP READING AND REVIEW!!!!!**

**-ahem- Thank you! -makes puppy-eyes-**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: As always, I do not own Artemis Fowl. If I did, Minerva would have died as soon as she met Artemis.**

**A/N: Wow! Thanks for the reviews!**

**Olynara Sedai: Yes! Another fangirl!**

**Rayne: Hope this is fast enough!**

**Getragen von der Flamme: What is "review withdrawl"? If you dislike short chapters skip this fic.**

**tvqueen64: Many thanks!**

**ArtyFowl3: Here you go!**

**cocoapuffaddict: Love your penname! **

**Anonymous: Awww! How cute!**

**farrari: Did you mean "ferrari" as in the car? Thanks for the review! I liked that part too!**

**And now, without further ado...another diary entry.**

**-crowd cheers-**

**The Diary of Artemis Fowl II**

August 10/2006

Thursday 10:55p.m.

Fowl Manor

Diary,

My first day of school began with a very strange experience. As the teacher introduced me to the class, a brunette in the front row gave me the most amazed look I have ever seen on the face of a human. At lunch… One moment, I must pause to describe something. Their idea of a "social luncheon" is to see how many adolescents they can fit into a tiny room. Their idea of "fine cuisine" is a barely palatable mixture of an unidentifiable meat and a weak sauce served over burnt rice. When I complained to the server about how disgusting her food was, she merely told me to; "Bring my own bloody lunch if I wasn't happy."

I apologize. I got a tad carried away there. As I was saying before that mediocre imbecile pervaded my thoughts; I saw the girl again at lunch, only this time she spoke to my face. She interrupted my furious e-mail to Butler (detailing the horrid conditions in which I had found myself) by staring at me. I inquired into what was so interesting about _my_ e-mail that she felt it necessary to stare at me. She simply squealed; "Oh my God! You even talk like you!" Then she ran away, leaving me very angry….and, though I am loathe to admit it, slightly confused. I have not yet been able to puzzle out her odd behavior. I must go and speak with Butler about this.

Later….

_Obviously_, Butler has no idea either. That girl most certainly did **_not_** have a "crush" on me. I cannot believe the nerve of Butler, lying so straightforwardly.

I must now explain why I did not explain the security ideas I mentioned earlier. If my enemies found this diary, _they could break into my school and kill me_. Sorry, a bit melodramatic.

I am going to retire. Or rather; listen to Holly rant endlessly about Trouble Kelp (something I am very loathe to do).

-Artemis Fowl The Second

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**A/N: One quick thing I forgot to add last time:NO FLAMES! Any flames I receive will go straight to the fireplace (or oven).**

**Thanks!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Don't own it, don't ask.**

**_This chapter is dedicated to my lovely reviewers!_**

**A/N: I know, I know. I said I wouldn't update for a while. But I did this chapter, and couldn't resist! Enjoy!**

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August 11/2006

Friday 11:38 p.m.

Fowl Manor

Diary,

I (to my deep surprise, I can assure you) actually had a pleasant day today. Do not for any amount of time even begin to think that I enjoyed school for its sake. No, I merely enjoyed the little affair I orchestrated today.

You do, I trust, recall that obnoxious serving lady's comment? "Get my own lunch." She said. Well, not only did I arrange that, I arranged luncheon for the entire school. You see, Molino's Fine Cuisine was rather indebted to me. Recently, I rescued the owner from a rather, ah, shall we say "semi-legal" spot of trouble. Admittedly, he was a tad surprised to receive a call at three in the morning requesting two-hundred five-course lunches to be delivered to a public school, but when he realized to whom he was conversing, he lightened up his demeanor instantly. At precisely 12:00, the caterers arrived. The students were glad of the lunch, but did not know who the benefactor was. One of the serving ladies actually had the blunt audacity to accuse _me_ of ordering it. But the principal waved her off, insisting that: "If it was Artemis, it was quite kind of him." Of course, that reaction could have spawned from the all-expenses-paid trip to Alan's Spa that she received earlier that day.

That brunette girl wasn't there today….Not that I wanted her there! I just found it odd she wasn't trying to jump on me. I DID NOT WANT HER TO JUMP ON ME EITHER, _JULIET_!!!! Honestly! She thinks she can just read over my shoulder! Hmm. I just received an e-mail from an unidentified source….I will continue later.

**_Later…_**

I am…..confused. Trust me, I do not easily become confused. I opened the e-mail, but it was gibberish. Here, allow me to put it here:

_**Dearest Arty,**_

_**You may not know me…..of course you don't! I'm…Oh! I can't tell you that! Hi! How are you doing? Kidnapped any fairies lately? Has that even happened yet? Met any Mary Sues? Do you like Holly? Are you gay? I don't like gay guys. Do you like anything sweet? I'm sweet! I've got something to say!**_

_**ARTEMIS FOWL, I LOOOOOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!  **_

_**-ME!!!!!**_

Whatever can it mean? I am going to try and test it for origin. At least I'll have _something_ to do this weekend.

Monday seems so far away.

-Artemis Fowl the Second

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**A/N: Thanks for your lovely reviews! It was that, more than anything, that prompted me to finish the chapter. Read and Review!!!!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Yes. I know it's short. But it is crucial to the fate of the earth!!! **

**Okay, so maybe it's not. But I like it, and I'm keeping it!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own it.**

**Thanks to all of my lovely reviewes! **

**_This chapter is dedicated to chocolate._**

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August 12/2006 

Saturday 3:00 p.m.

Fowl Manor

Diary,

I am still attempting to make sense of that infernal e-mail. I have run it through at least five decoders, and I still cannot make sense of it. Whoever encoded it must have been very intelligent. I have also been trying to trace the e-mail back to its source. I have run levels 10 through 102 and found no answers. There isn't a much higher frequency I can trace. One moment; Juliet is bouncing behind me. Something about an emergency…

_Hey! Juliet speaking. I sent Arty off a minute ago. He thinks his fifth server has blown. You should have seen the look on his face! Now, let's see what he's been writing.._

_Ha! Decoder. He can really be an idiot-_

I cannot believe her! First, she lies, then she reads my diary and writes in it! I must speak to Butler about this. Juliet has been acting strange of late.

-Artemis Fowl the Second

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**A/N: TO READINGINTHEDARK: That's your screenname, right? Hi! Thanks for your wonderful review of 'It Is Strange'! You wanted advice...from me? I must say, I am honored. I must also say that I am not an adult, and may not be very good at it. Well, here goes!**

**You said something about things not turning out the way you like them. WHATEVER YOU DO, _DO NOT THROW THEM AWAY!!!!!_** **Sometimes, something seems bad when you write it. But when you come back to it (whether it be hours later or years later) it makes sense, and you want to finish it! One story I wrote was really cool for the first three minutes after I wrote it, then I hated it, then it ended up in my rubbish folder, then I pulled it out to copy since I didn't have any other stories, and it won an award (true story!).**

**Another thing I suggest is trying to write a little every day. Even if you only write for two minutes, and only manage to get half of a sentance, it's progress! **

**Also, don't try to compare yourself to anybody. YOUR writing is special. It's YOURS. No-one but you should decide how you write. If you try copying someones writing style, it'll end up a mess (trust me, I've tried).**

**And lastly; Don't try to be perfect on the first draft. It's stressful, and not important (unless you're SAT-ing). THE FIRST DRAFT OF HARRY POTTER WAS WRITTEN ON NAPKINS WITHOUT A SPELLCHECK FOR HEAVEN"S SAKES!!!**

**I have no clue if that made sense, or if it was helpful. If you were looking for something different, let me know in a review! And thanks again for your review. It made my day!**

**TO EVERYONE ELSE:**

**Review.**

**Please?**

**PLEASE !????**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Wow. Two chapters in the span of a week! I'm on a roll! **

**_This chapter is dedicated to Kitsune Onna1, who inspired this chapter with her review._**

**_The first e-mail is hers._**

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August 13/2006 

Sunday 5:03 p.m.

Fowl Manor

Diary,

Why is there nothing to do today? I, who usually manage to contrive a full schedule actually have calendar days during which I have _nothing_ to do! I would not even mind receiving another of those ridiculous e-mails. Perhaps Holly has something for me to do. Why on Earth did I give up criminality?

_**Later…**_

Be careful what you wish for. I just received another inane e-mail. I really must change my account. It says it is from someone who calls themselves; Kitsune Onna1.

I realize this is, like totally unreal and all and I really don't have any idea what I'm saying any more but oh well. oh! LOL, I don't got the latest book but I plan to soon, hey has any of that even happened yet? I wonder... Anyways, I gotta know, do you like yaoi? Are you gay? What do you plan on being when you grow up? Er,...That's kinda obvious isn't it? Anyways! I love yaoi! Hey, do you think I could e-mail Capitan Short? Or is she a civilian now? Damn! I gotta go.

Ja Ne, Arty-Poo!

_-Kitsune Onna1_

I am starting to become a little afraid of this organization. They keep asking if I am gay…

Oh, for goodness sakes! Another e-mail!

_**Later..**_

Now, I am very frightened.

_Dearest Arty,_

_Hi! I'm your future wife. Our wedding is going to be soon, even though we are both WAY underage because the plot works that way! I was thinking three kids: Arty the Third, Liana, and Sarah. We'll live in a little house on the Cliffs of Moher_**(see below)**,_only, we won't blow off, 'cause you'll invent something to stop that from happening to our babies. _

_Dreaming of you!_

_-Selene_

I need more security! These people are insane!

-Artemis Fowl the Second

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**A/N: Review!**

**Cliffs of Moher- A breath-taking wall of cliffs in Ireland. It is very dangerous, because there are no handrails, and a drop into the rock-filled ocean below. I want to go there someday...**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I love little Arty! So, I'm going to update him. _Muwahahahaha!_ -looks around- did I do that out loud?**

**_This chapter is dedicated to...um,...Anyone who reviews this chapter!!

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_**

**The Diary of Artemis Fowl II**

August 14/2006

Monday 7:36 p.m.

Fowl Manor

Diary,

There is something very strange going on at school. That insane brunette was there today. Only this time, she had friends. Her and about five other girls were constantly glancing at me, and then breaking into fits of absurdly high-pitched giggling. I could have sworn I heard one of them hiss;

"No! Don't look at him! He'll figure it out and shoot you down!"

Me? Shoot someone? Of course, I am familiar with the workings of a standard rifle. But why on earth would I shoot someone? I really am beginning to wonder if those girls have any link to the organization that keeps sending me encoded e-mails. I hate to say it; but perhaps I should ask father about this. He would know how to deal with it.

_**Later…**_

Why is it that everyone in my household is demented?! Father said, and I quote:

"Arty, those aren't threats. They're secret admirers notes." At this, mother looked up quickly.

"Little Arty has a secret admirer?" she practically shrieked.

"More than one. Or, so it would appear." Father smiled.

"Arty," hissed mother to father. "I think it's time for; 'The Talk'." Father merely rolled his eyes, and told me to 'meet him in his study at 7:40. This does not bode well. I have to get up early tomorrow, so I will leave off here.

-Artemis Fowl the Second

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**A/N: I know; short. But don't worry, you'll hear poor Arty's account of "The Talk" soon enough...**

**DISCLAIMER: I. Don't. Own!**


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I'm not Eoin Colfer. So deal with it! Nor do I own Wicked, the Phantom of the Opera, Pirates of the Caribbean, Labyrinth, or the first e-mail!

A/N: This has to be one of the fastest updates ever! Okay, so I took iamthedreadpirateroberts' Idea, and just had fun with this chapter! Also, as a special bonus, I put an excerpt from Holly's diary at the end of this chapter. Enjoy!

IMPORTANT!!! READ!!!

Okay, so people keep asking why things seem to differ from the book. The reason is; this story totally skips The Lost Colony. It never happened! But, for those of you who like Minerva, don't worry! I'm bringing her in later. For those of you who do not like Minerva, don't worry! I'll most likely have her...Ah! I just got a brilliant idea!!!!

_This chapter is dedicated to every fangirl who has ever broke into random quoting and/or song._

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The Diary of Artemis Fowl II

-Artemis Fowl the Second

August 15/2006

Tuesday 9:38 p.m.

Fowl Manor

Diary,

I cannot believe what Father told me last night! Did he think I did not already know about the reproductive process of humans? Because I do! I've read all about it, and was beginning to be comfortable with the whole process, but the way Father described it…I am still shuddering. I do not think I shall be able to look at another female without turning a light shade of pink for a very long time.

Speaking of females, school today was, if possible, even stranger than usual. While I was putting a few things away into my locker, the Brunette ran up to me and tapped me on the shoulder. It fits into Murphy's Law that the one day I do not want to be troubled by any member of the female…gender, they see fit to bother me. I turned around, and she, in an over-joyed tone exclaimed;

"Come with me! To the Emerald City!"

I, after regaining my composure, told her quite forcefully that I had no wish to go anywhere. To which she replied;

"Oh, Arty! You're so funny!"

Then she flounced away, humming to herself. I began to wonder if all girls act like this. My question was soon answered.

At lunch, three girls leaped onto a table, and yelled at the top of their lungs;

"He's here! The Phantom of the Opera! He is with us, it's the Ghost!"

Then, they pointed at me! I enjoy Opera, but I am not a Phantom! The insanity continued all day! I was stopped in the hallway by a girl who wanted to know if I knew where 'Elizabeth Swann' was. Then, another girl threw a crystal ball at me, which I only just managed to catch, then asked me if I wanted my dreams! I never want to see another female again!

Oh, no. Holly is here!

_**Later…**_

I shall die of embarrassment now. Thanks to Father, the entire time Holly was here, my thoughts kept wandering to how fairies reproduced, and if they were compatible with humans, and I am sure Holly noticed!! I do not think I will ever be able to face her again!

Brilliant! Just what I need right now! Three new e-mails!

_**Later…**_

I am going to find out who these people are or die trying!!!

okay, what kind of girls do you like? And if i'm wrong about the type you like, tell me so i can wipe out a fan fic--I mean another letter!sweatdrop Ja Ne!

RFG Supirior #14

_P.S. RFG means Rabid Fan Girl, witch I am!_

_Artemis,_

_Don't listen to anyone else! I love you! ME!!! MARRY ME!!!!!!!!!!_

_-Your One True Love_

_Dear Artemis,_

_I have a plan that's going to work! If I wish you away to the Goblins, then I'll have to save you! And if I save you, you'll be indebted to me! I win!_

…_On second thought, if it does work, I am so going for Jareth, not you. Sorry!_

_-Secret kinda-admirer_

Who is Jareth? Is he their leader? WHY DO THESE PEOPLE KEEP SAYING THEY LOVE ME?!?!?!?!? That first e-mail was all misspelled, and the last one was creepy! On top of all of this, I am still having uncomfortable thoughts as a result of Father's talk!

I need to lie down.

-Artemis Fowl the Second

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_**Bonus!**_

_**Holly's diary;**_

_**Dear Diary,**_

_**Mudboy was acting funny today. I went to see him, and the entire time I was there, he seemed uncomfortable, and kept trying to find excuses to leave. If that mudboy is plotting something, I'll rip his spleen out...assuming he has one.**_

****

**_-Holly_**

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A/N: Like it?


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I know! It's been forever. Still, better late than never!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl. Nor do I own Sage Roseheart. He is on loan from Sand Fox.**

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August 16/2006

Wednesday 11:06 p.m.

Fowl Manor

Diary,

You will never guess what I figured out today. Here it is;

The sole purpose of the female gender is to _drive the males into sheer insanity_! Those ridiculous, chattering girls were staring at me _all day_! They did not stop once, nor did they say anything. When, at last, I stormed over to them to demand to know why they staring, they _giggled_! Nothing even slightly humorous was happening! They must be mentally ill! I-

A moment, please. Mother is calling me.

_**Later…**_

I cannot believe her nerve! I went downstairs, and the first thing she said was:

"Sit down, Arty dear. We need to talk." I sat, dreading what was to come. Memories of the last "talk" I'd had with one of my parents kept flittering through my head, and so I was uncharacteristically fidgety.

"Yes, mother?" I asked, trying to keep some remnant of calm.

"Arty," she sighed. "well, there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to say it. I've noticed that you don't have any friends." I snorted.

"Of course not! Why would I ever need friends? What assets do they provide?"

"Well," said mother. "they can comfort you when you're sad, they can talk to you with you're bored, and they're there for you when you fall." I frowned.

"Mother, I am rarely 'sad', nor do I see that as being a problem in the near future. I have many projects, so I am never bored. And, honestly, when was the last time I fell? I do not need friends, mother. Now, if you will excuse me, I have many things to do…"

"Arty," she cried. "this is exactly what I'm talking about! You have no tolerance for any suggestions, and no friends to make them. That's why I didn't ask you before I made the call." My frown deepened.

"What 'call'?" I asked harshly.

"I have a friend in Dublin; Mrs. Claudia Roseheart. She has a son about your age named Sage. Sage is going to come spend a few weeks with us. You need a friend, and since you didn't seem to be inclined to make any, I've made one for you."

Do you see? I cannot believe her! I do not need friends! And now, I will have to put up with some sniveling child for weeks. Oh, she assures me he is "quite intelligent". But the last "intelligent" person she wanted me to meet had gotten an A- on his report card. Things cannot possibly get any worse.

-Artemis Fowl the Second

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**A/N: Review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Don't shoot; I'm begging you! Okay, I know it's been a while since my last update (eight months, give or take) but have mercy!! My original novel was pestering me with plot bunnies and it simply _would not let me write this chapter!!!!!_**

**-sobs-**

**But here it is and the next chapter is on its way! Forgive meeeeeeeeee!!!!!**

**_This chapter is dedicate to Marcus1233 who (I think) submitted my 100th review._**

**_If he/she didn't...ummm; sorry?_**

**Disclaimer: I own neither Arty, who is owned by Eion Colfer; nor Sage, who is owned by Sand Fox.**

**NOTE: In my haste to bring you this chapter, I have not allowed my Beta to look over this chapter. I apologize before-hand for any flaws. It has suffered...**

_**READ!!!!**_

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August 17/2006

Thursday, 9:03 p.m.

Fowl Manor

Diary,

I retract my last statement. Things most certainly _can_ get worse. When mother said that she had already made the call, I did not realize that she meant _two months ago!_ Apparently, that "Sage" boy will be here in a mere two days. This gives me very little time to prepare for the onslaught of silly questions that silly child will have in store for me. Knowing my rather unfortunate luck; he will be a curious child.

I am really very angry with mother for subjecting me to an impudent child's company for an undetermined amount of time. However, I should not worry about this so much. If things become _too_ bad; I will simply frighten him away. I have far too many other things to worry about.

For instance; that annoying group of giggling girls _who will not stop following me_! And despite many blatant threats on my part, too. At school today, I could not go anywhere without running into one of those wretched creatures. The worst encounter of the day occurred as I was extracting math books from my locker…

A group of eight ridiculous females suddenly appeared behind me. They were, of course; led by that insane brunette girl.

"Hey, Artemis!" she exclaimed in such a loud, high tone that I am surprised that I did not sustain permanent hearing damage.

"Go away." I told them bluntly. With the news about "Sage" on my mind, I was in no mood to deal with such (to borrow a phrase from father) blithering idiots. My tone and message were clear enough for a squirrel to understand, but those girls would not take a hint. They began laughing.

Loudly.

Nothing that I had said was even remotely funny, yet they laughed! Then, as though suddenly struck by lightning; they ran away, all the while squealing in some sort of indistinct gibberish that they seemed to be able to communicate with. I could not understand this strange language. I may have to resort to asking Juliet if she speaks it. She is, after all; one of their kind.

My day did not end there. I arrived home to find the following disturbing message on my computer.

_Artykins, _

_Hey-it's me! I'm your new girlfriend. See ya soon!!!!! _

_XOXXOOXXOXXOXO _

_-Luvrgirl _

I have no need of a "girlfriend", much less a hacker. Relationships take too much time.

The "XOXXOOXXOXXOXO" confounds me. Perhaps it is some sort of alphabetical-binary? It is not decoding on any of my programs. I really must find out who is doing this. I've been scanning for more and more complex computers and yet still have not found out who is hacking into my system. They must be very advanced hackers; perhaps a whole network. My computer is very soundly protected. It worries me…

Mother is calling.

-End

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**A/N: Review!!! Or I'll wish the lot of you away to the Goblins!!!**

**P.S. Does Ireland even have squirrels?**


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